The Curious Hotel

Quote from: Friendlycock on Nov, 09, 2024, The counselor told me all of this. Damn it's difficult when she's never going to want my cock anywhere near her again. We only fingered and sucked for years, and then only once every few months.

Quote from: Anonymous

It can be done with a little effort from both of you.

Have realistic expectations. Parenting is an all-consuming activity, there's not much room for anything else. Expect that sex is going to be scarce for the first two years at least.

Don't compete for the 'I'm worse off' award. It's hard for both of you so don't play martyr or try to score points. Instead, work together as a team.

Talk about what's happening. It will stop you both panicking. Most people are happy to put up with no sex for a while, so long as they know it will return at no point. It's when sex stops and there's no talk of it ever resuming that threatens relationships.

Set, short achievable goals. Start kissing again. Try non-sexual touching or 'stroking without intent'. This means caressing each other's body with the understanding that it won't lead to sex. You're doing it simply to connect and because it feels nice.

Your old sex life is gone, create a new one. No couple is ever the same after a baby. But our sex lives are always shifting and changing in response to life events. See it as the chance to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. Court each other like you did at the start.

He needs to stop thinking of sex as intercourse. If it's painful, stop making it the main event. Have your orgasms through oral sex or using a vibrator. Women happily adapt to this change, men fight it. For men, sex means putting their penis in something. Sex works best post birth if it moves more into the 'female' model of sexual satisfaction. More focus on the journey and foreplay, less on penetration and orgasm.

You both need time together without the baby. This means fobbing your child off (to your parents, other friends with kids, a baby sitter), not just for 'special occasions' but a few hours each week or fortnight. Don't spend it talking about your kids. Have dinner out. Share some wine. Watch a movie. Once you reconnect, it will feel more natural to spend that time having sex.

Have some kind of sexual contact, even if you don't feel like it. Having sex is a habit. Get back into it by having low-effort sex, even if it's the last thing you feel like. Watch him masturbate. Use a vibrator on yourself. Remember, sex doesn't mean intercourse and sex doesn't have to have a beginning, middle and end.